Tonight at 11:55pm it will be one month since our dear Sophie left this Earth to receive her miracle from the One true healer. At times it seems like it was just yesterday that she was here with us, and at others, it seems like it has been forever since we have seen her beautiful face, and heard her adorable voice.
I wish I could say that this grief process is easier that I thought it would be, but in fact, it is much harder. We've had to come up with answers to two common questions, "How are you?" and "How many kids do you have?" Simple questions with usually simple answers have left me speechless. The memories that people say "can bring you comfort" are the very things that take my breath away and leave a pit in my stomach. Believing and knowing that Sophie is happy and healthy is the easy part, but missing her is the hard part. Everything I do and everywhere I go, I am reminded of Sophie. Her shoes and clothes in the closet, her pictures all around the house. Her toys and wheelchair in the garage. Her huge sticker collection still in the drawer. The food she loved still in the pantry. The places she loved to eat, the stores where she loved to shop, the places she loved to go. I find myself walking outside with Sarah and seeing a stick, a leaf, an acorn or a pinecone and thinking, "Sophie would defintiely pick that one up."
The lives of those around us have continued to go on as usual. Some people have said, "At least you have Sarah to keep you busy." I wish busy was what I needed right now, but the truth is, being busy doesn't do anything to fill the void. When Sophie was sick, I missed how she was when she was healthy, and now I'd give anything to spend another day with her - healthy or sick. I realize that the next time I will see Sophie will be in heaven. She has set the bar very high. Now I have no choice but to try and live my life in a way that will get me to the place that was a "given" for Sophie.
On Halloween afternoon I said to Marc, "I'm sad today," and he said, "Me too, I'm trying not to look at the Halloween picture from 10-31-06 that we still have framed in the kitchen." I went on to get dinner ready and then the phone rang. It was Megan (Maria's Mom) calling to ask me if I had seen the rainbows. I didn't think I heard her right, and she told me to go outside and look. She told me to hurry because the sun was starting to go down and there was one rainbow on each side of a very bright sun. I went outside and looked for the sun. I couldn't see it behind the trees, so I had to cut through the bushes to Megan's house where I could see the sun. And there low in the evening sky were 2 very faint rainbows; one on each side of the sun, peeking through a break in the wispy clouds. We both remarked how we had never seen a rainbow without rain, but took it as a sign from the girls that they were with us on a night when we really missed them.
In the next few weeks, I am hoping to have Sophie's website updated so it will be more of a memorial to her. We have plans to join with the McNamara's foundation - prayersfrommmaria.org - as a way to "help families and find cures," while at the same time preserving a legacy in Sophie's name that focuses on the "helping families" portion of the foundation. We are open to your ideas and suggestions on how to make this work, and of course we welcome any suuport that you can provide.
As Thanksgiving approaches I reflect on what I do have to be thankful for. In addition to my family, friends, and my health, the one thing that I'm particularly thankful for this year is my faith. I look back and wonder how I would have gotten this far without it. All those Sunday mornings in church with Sophie were some of the best days; it was a time for me to hold her in my arms in God's presence. What could be better than sharing faith with the ones you love???? My prayer tonight is that all of the people who are lacking a faith or direction in thier life, will be open to hearing God's voice and be blessed with the faith that has become a part of my every being.
We thank those of you who have continued to provide support and prayers, and we ask you to pray in a special way for the families being diagnosed and/or fighting this horrific battle during the holiday season.
