I started this post late Sunday night, and never finished it. I was having a hard time putting my feelings into words, because there are only so many times I can write that I miss Sophie and that losing a child is certainly the hardest thing in the world. A chance to sit and visit with Megan (Maria's Mom) was the perfect excuse to take a break. So I left the post as it was, thinking I would get back to it in a few days when I had something to say. I didn't plan on writing today, but as it often does, the "Purpose Driven Life - Daily Devotional" that I received via email this morning was very thought provoking and indeed provided me with a purpose for writing.
As I sat and talked with Megan, we agreed that it is NOT getting any easier. We talked about our girls, how they suffered and how they taught so many, so much. We commented on how we both reflect back on our time with our girls, and how there is a distinct line drawn in our book of memories. On one side are all the memories of the daughter we had "before diagnosis" and on the other side are all the memories we have "after diagnosis". Even though I never explained the severity of Sophie's diagnosis to her, I am astutely aware of how her knowledge and level of maturity changed after diagnosis. The memories on the side after diagnosis are the ones that are so clear and often the ones I would like to forget. We asked ourselves the torturing question, "What could we have done differently?"
I told Megan about one of the many books I have been reading, called "Holding Onto Hope" where the mother (who also lost a child) says that she finally realized she wouldn't have wanted anything to be different because she accepted that the way things happened was the way God meant for them to happen. I try to remind myself of that every day and really allow myself to be used for God's purpose (just as Sophie and Maria did) so that I may someday get to heaven.
Even though I have my moments of asking the questions "When will I wake up from this nightmare?" and "Why...and How did this happen?" A devotional email can set me straight...at least for awhile. When I read what is written below, it made me stop and consider how I live my life. Obviously I have a long way to go, and I will need to be reminded often. But when I stop to consider how Sophie responded to her situation, I can't help but at least TRY to do "Whatever it Takes"
Below is the email I received. I hope you take the time to read it and consider what it is asking. It really opened my eyes to all the things I am NOT doing.
Tell God: Whatever It Takes, Anytime, Anywhere, Anyway.
by Jon Walker
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:13b-14 NIV)
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When Saddleback Church celebrated its 25th anniversary, Rick Warren called for a radical commitment from God's people — all over the world — to tackle the giant obstacles that keep people in spiritual darkness.
In this new year, we can “press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called [us] heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13b-14, NIV). We can, once again, affirm our commitment to the work of the Great Commission. My prayer is that we will view this declaration as a covenant with God, promising him that from now we will do whatever it takes: anytime, anywhere, anyway.
A Call to Radical Commitment
By Rick Warren
Today I am stepping across the line. I'm tired of waffling, and I'm finished with wavering. I've made my choice; the verdict is in; and my decision is irrevocable. I'm going God's way. There's no turning back now!
I will live the rest of my life serving God's purposes with God's people on God's planet for God's glory. I will use my life to celebrate his presence, cultivate his character, participate in his family, demonstrate his love, and communicate his Word.
Since my past has been forgiven, and I have a purpose for living and a home awaiting in heaven, I refuse to waste any more time or energy on shallow living, petty thinking, trivial talking, thoughtless doing, useless regretting, hurtful resenting, or faithless worrying.
Instead I will magnify God, grow to maturity, serve in ministry, and fulfill my mission in the membership of his family.
Because this life is preparation for the next, I will value worship over wealth, “we” over “me,” character over comfort, service over status, and people over possessions, position, and pleasures. I know what matters most, and I'll give it all I've got. I'll do the best I can with what I have for Jesus Christ today.
I won't be captivated by culture, manipulated by critics, motivated by praise, frustrated by problems, debilitated by temptation, or intimidated by the devil. I'll keep running my race with my eyes on the goal, not the sidelines or those running by me.
When times get tough, and I get tired, I won't back up, back off, back down, back out, or backslide. I'll just keep moving forward by God's grace. I'm Spirit-led, purpose-driven and mission-focused, so I cannot be bought, I will not be compromised, and I shall not quit until I finish the race.
I'm a trophy of God's amazing grace, so I will be gracious to everyone, grateful for everyday, and generous with everything that God entrusts to me.
To my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I say: However, whenever, wherever, and whatever you ask me to do, my answer in advance is yes! Wherever you lead and whatever the cost, I'm ready. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyway.
Whatever it takes Lord; whatever it takes!
I want to be used by you in such a way, that on that final day I'll hear you say, "Well done, thou good and faithful one. Come on in, and let the eternal party begin!"
What does this mean?
Today, I affirm this commitment to God and submit to his plans and purposes for my life, no matter what it takes.
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Signature
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© 2007 Jon Walker. All rights reserved.
If you feel the calling to help those children and families dealing with the crushing diagnosis of a brain tumor, I urge you to consider helping with the Prayers From Maria Foundation Sunflower Soiree Fundraiser that will take place in Cleveland on February 23, 2008. This is an event designed to raise awareness as well as lots of money so that the foundation's purpose of "Helping Families, Finding Cures" will be fulfilled. The foundation is currently seeking corporate sponsors, as well as donations of big ticket items for the auctions. If you are able to help in any way, please consider visiting the prayersfrommaria.org website. Here is a list of the types of items they are looking for.
Art work
Autographed sports items
Babysitting services
Chef to cook for you and your guest
Cleaning service
Creative memories basket
Dance classes
Fitness center membership, Five Seasons, Bally's, EMH, YMCA,
Four seasons of flowers from florist
Gift baskets
Gift cards/certificates for restaurants, stores, salons, hotels, etc.
Golf clubs
Golf outings
Gymnastic classes
High school football tickets
Hotel overnight stay
Interior design session
Jewelry
Karate classes
Kids birthday parties, My Gym, Pump it Up, Bowling, Chuck E Cheese, etc.
Lawn service
Massage service
Movie rentals
Movie tickets
Pampered chef basket
Personal trainer
Photography photo session
Pizza certificates
Salon services, manicure, pedicure, haircut & style, facial,etc.
Sporting event tickets
Sports memorabilia
Tanning sessions
Tastefully simple basket
Technology equipment, Ipod, Tivo, Camera, laptop, etc.
Theater tickets
Vacation packages, homes, cottages, boat trip, ski trips, etc.
Wine tasting for ten, bottles of wine
And of course your attendance is a great way to show your support. For us, the timing will be bittersweet as Sophie's date of diagnosis was February 21, 2007. When I look back to February 23, 2007, we were at Rainbow Babies and Children's Hospital making decisions about how Sophie would spend the remainder of the time she had left on Earth. And at the time we were certain that if we did radiation she would most likely make it to Christmas, but instead it's already been 3 months that she has been gone.
Please, consider helping with this fundraiser if you are able.
For us personally, December has come and gone, and now a new year is upon us. We missed Sophie so much during the holiday season. It's difficult to do the things we did when she was here with us. We had Marc's work party here at our house (as we have had in years past). Sophie was always a part of the party, so we all missed her. A group of us played the game "Catchphrase" (something we hadn't done in years past), and it was obvious that Sophie was indeed present at the party when the clues, "rainbow" and "4th of July" came up. We continue to get signs from her, especially the appearance of 11:11.
Taking down the decorations was tough...maybe even harder than putting them up. It was a rough couple months, but somehow we survived our first Christmas without her. Florida was a much needed distraction; it was good for us to get away. The weather was perfect with the first 4 days being sunny, and although it rained on Christmas day, I saw periods of sun peeking through the clouds, and I just knew that somewhere there was a rainbow. I wouldn't have had it any other way. Sarah had a great time, so we're considering making a trip in December a yearly tradition.
It's strange to think that the year 2008 will be the first of many years in which Sophie will not be with us here on Earth. When I think back to January of last year, I remember Sophie beginning to show signs of her tumor, even though we didn't know they were signs then. She was more tired, and a little grumpy and didn't want to do the daily things she had always done. It is so sad to look back and wonder what was going through Sophie's head, as her body and mind slowly began to fail her. From this point on, I won't be able to look back at "this time last year" and have memories of the Sophie we knew before diagnosis.
Still we press on, mostly because we have no choice, and because our Sarah needs us. We hope and pray every day that another child and family will not have to endure a year like we did in 2007.
We thank those of you who remind us that you are thinking of us by posting to the blog, calling, or by sending us cards and/or emails. It really does mean something to us that you haven't forgotten Sophie, and that you are aware of what a struggle this is.
May you find many blessings in the New Year.
