I feel like I start each post apologizing for not updating sooner. The 6th of August came and went and I couldn't update. As always, I have been meaning to. Usually my excuse is time, but this month when I sat down to write, my thoughts were those of despair and sadness so I have been putting off writing.
We're approaching the one year anniversary of Sophie's death. I cannot believe how fast time goes by. I still say it seems like I haven't seen Sophie in many years, while at the same time I remember every detail about her as though she was just here. This time last year was not a good time, as Sophie's cancer was progressing fast and she seemed so helpless most of the time. Labor Day was the last time I heard her voice. It was very slurred and hard to understand, but at least she was talking. Then one day she woke up and could make no sound. Thinking back to those times pains me because I still wonder and wonder about how scared she was.
It still is not getting any easier. I long for her, to hug her, to smell her, to hear her. Many times I hold the nightgown that she was wearing when she died close to my face. I used to be able to smell that and feel close to her, but after 10 months, the "Sophie smell" is going away and all I have left is the nightgown. They tell us that grief is a process and that it takes time to heal. I don't know if I believe that. Right now, time is doing nothing but making me miss her more and more.
I got a post card in the mail from Bob Evans. Sophie was part of the birthday club. It was wishing her a happy birthday and said to bring the postcard in for a free kids meal. That was really hard to receive. It symbolizes how life goes on for everyone else, but my world without Sophie stands still.
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that this fall would have been such a big year for her. Sophie would have been starting kindergarten and she was so excited to ride a bus to school.
Earlier this week the Avon Lake Early Childhood PTA was having an ice cream social. I went thinking I would be okay. I knew it was going to be at the "Lake House" which is where the picnic was that we all went to the day Sophie died. I had never been in that building before the picnic, and obviously hadn't been in there since. That building was the last place Sophie went, and it was where she ate her last meal. I had to get out of there before the sadness overwhelmed me. It's those things that I can't imagine not feeling or "getting over" one day.
I was driving with Sarah in the car this evening and I told her to look out at the pink, red beautiful sky and sunset. I then said "Sophie did that." I know that is something hard for a two year old to understand, but we talk about Sophie all the time, so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Sarah said to me "Fofie, heben. Come here now." And then she started crying saying, "Mommy call Fofie, Mommy call Fofie, come here now, no heben, no Jesus." I was so sad. Sarah wanted to see Sophie and of course I couldn't explain why she just couldn't "come here now". I think about how much fun those two girls would be having and I'm saddened by the loss in Sarah's life, especially because it seem like she is finally starting to realize that "Fofie" once really was here.
Many of you know of my pregnancy that ended at 15 weeks in the beginning of June. I didn't mention this on the blog before because I am not one to try and bring more attention to myself, but I bring this up because I realized that so many of you were so kind to me and sent such nice cards and showed your support. I feel like I never thanked many of you for your support during yet another difficult time. I told Marc not many people have 3 children in heaven like we do. (I miscarried a baby at 12 weeks when Sophie was just 7 months old.) When I feel sad, I pray to those little saints and ask them for guidance. I know that Sophie is an amazing big sister to those in heaven with her, and that makes me smile.
And when I'm feeling sad, I remind myself how blessed I am to have my family and so many caring friends in my life. One time my sister said to me, "you've met some awesome people in Ohio" and it's true we really have. I know that surviving this ordeal would be a lot more difficult without people who surround us with their love, and for that I am thankful. So, it's not all doom and gloom here.
We are excited to announce the 2nd Annual Fall Family Festival that will be held here in Avon Lake on October 4. Please click on "Fall Festival" under Upcoming Events on the website to read more about it. Some amazing girls are putting this together in record time, and it is sure to be loads of fun for the kids. I remember how much Sophie liked it last year. Even though she could not longer talk, eat, smile or support her body weight, I will never forget when my Mom told me, "I could tell Sophie was smiling by looking in her eye."
Within the next week or so, we will be selling 20% off coupons for Macy's. They have an event called "Shop for a Cause" and this year the Smiles For Sophie Foundation will be participating. It is really easy. All you do is buy a shopping pass from us for $5.00 and we will give you the pass to use at any Macy's in the country and you will receive 20% off your purchase all day. Macy's will be having some raffles and prizes of their own at each store. It's a quick way to donate to our foundation and get something back in return. Amy Schmidt will be heading up this fundraiser. She will be accepting cash or checks for payment. If you would like to purchase a shopping pass, or if you would like to help sell passes, please contact her at schmidthouse5@oh.rr.com or 440-930-2447. (Please see the SFSF website for more information.)
I've been working on putting a slide show together with pictures from the race. So many generous people have given me CDs with hundreds of pictures on them. I am trying to wean out duplicates and put them in some sort of organized fashion. When I do, I will post them on the website, or on this blog.
We still have race t-shirts available for $5. We ordered a few more because many people said they wanted one. Some people have actually purchased them, but we haven't heard from some of the others. So, if you want a t-shirt from the inaugural Sophie race, please email or call Kristin at pkvaneuwen@oh.rr.com or 440-781-1179.
Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.
