Two Months Without Sophie

Another anniversary...aren't anniversaries supposed to be "happy?"

We thank all of our friends and family who have continued to provide support since Sophie left our world just two short, yet very L-O-N-G months ago. We have spent the last couple months trying to figure out how we can go on without Sophie. It certainly has been difficult, if not impossible, to adjust to the emptiness in our home. We faced the loss of Marc's Grandpa who succumbed to cancer after a very short battle. Two deaths in one family in just over a month really take a toll on one's psyche.

We spent Thanksgiving here at our home - just the three of us. We ate honey baked ham and frozen side dishes. It was relaxing, and what we needed, but my mind wandered often to the thought of Thanksgiving 2006 when we hosted my family here. Sophie was so excited to set the table and line up all the silverware and dishes. And then she was even more excited to place the little candle centerpiece she had made at Little Learners, on the table. I am going to keep that "centerpiece" forever.

We have been decorating the house for Christmas, little by little. And although it is hard to do without Sophie, it is something that she enjoyed and appreciated very much; so we're digging out as much as we can in her honor. When I was up in the crawl space sorting through rubber maid tubs, I came across the pink mini golf clubs that I had bought on clearance after Christmas last year. We were saving them to give to Sophie this Christmas. Marc was so excited to take her golfing with him. I also found the ornaments that Sophie had made last fall in preschool. One has a picture of the two of us on her first day of school on the front, and on the back, it says, "I'm thankful for you!" It's moments like those, that my heart just stops beating and I loose my breath.

We've decided to take a short vacation to Florida over Christmas. We think we will fare better emotionally if we don't wake up here in our house, without Sophie to come down the steps to see if Santa is still there. (Last year she was nervous to come down because she thought he might still be there!) We're fortunate that Sarah is young enough to not need an explanation.

My sister Sarah and I took my little Sarah to put a wreath at Sophie's grave. When I go and "visit" Sophie, the reality of the situation is overwhelming. Sometimes I can't believe that my little "Sophie Girl" was diagnosed with a brain tumor nine months ago and now she is gone. It seems surreal that I am there visiting my four-year-old's grave. I still find myself somehow believing that one morning I really will wake up and find this while thing to have been just a nightmare.

So that's how we are down here on Earth, while Sophie is in heaven happy and wishing we could be too. She continues to send me winks from her special place over the rainbow. I have seen more pictures of rainbows in books, magazines, catalogs, billboards, trucks, the Internet, you name it then I ever remember seeing. I visited Sophie's grave with Marc's Mom and sister on November 13th. While we were standing over her grave, a tiny yellow butterfly fluttered by. I don't know about you, but seeing butterflies in northern Ohio in November has never happened to me before. I know she sends me those winks to say "Hi Mommy," and to let me know she is smiling.

I sent a note to my CRHP "sisters" in Cincinnati a couple weeks ago thanking them for a memory candle that I placed in the center of my Advent wreath. In the letter I mentioned the fact that Sophie will be at the real birthday party on December 25th. That thought pops into my head many times each day, and brings a smile to my face. Sophie loved parties, dressing up, decorating and celebrating. I know that being at Jesus' birthday party in heaven is a great reward for the suffering she did on Earth. Each day I remind myself that I need to somehow, someday get to that party.

We thank those of you who continue to make donations to St. Jude in Sophie's name. We are honored that you are supporting this facility that offered us so much during Sophie's illness.

Please please continue to pray for those families fighting this battle. I know I've asked before, but I am asking for prayers again. There are children being diagnosed every week with this disease and all will be given the same prognosis we were. We really need to raise awareness so that a cure may be found. My prayer and wish this Christmas is that someday in the near future, you will see as many gray ribbons as you do pink, and that somehow a cure will be found. Please also pray for those families whose children will lose their battle. It breaks my heart to know that more families are facing the devastating pain that we feel.

We are continuing to work on the changes to Sophie's site, and to figure out the best way to honor her memory. I guess it will be a memorial in the making. I have an idea of how I want it to be, but getting there is a longer process than I thought.

Below is a video clip of Sophie that I found while trying to organize all the "stuff" on my computer. It is how I remember her, and the precious voice and spunk she had.

God Bless you and your families this Christmas. Hug those children in your lives, both young and old, and count your blessings.